God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
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My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.