When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
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don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
smh
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken