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God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I occasionally drink every single night.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?