Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
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There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Okay, I’m still confused…
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”