Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
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Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
<- sleeps well with others
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.