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{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…