Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
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DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.