grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
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On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.