*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
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Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.