I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
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“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please