I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
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IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
✌🏽
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Does your wife know you’re single?
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.