Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
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I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Dietest Coke
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.