[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
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Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for