Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
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Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Thanks to a fan for this one.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
me after eating Cheetos
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives