Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
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DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
mom gave me mine for free
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat