It’s the weekend y’all
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*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Come back with a warrant
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.