A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
You Might Also Like
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Growing up was a huge mistake
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down