Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
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I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
this is 10/10 content no notes
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic