DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
You Might Also Like
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Goodnight 🐶
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush