My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
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To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Our lord and savoury.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.