[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
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“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
who will stop them
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants