as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
You Might Also Like
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.