I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
You Might Also Like
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?