[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
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5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
girls literally only want one thing..
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]