If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
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Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
He just like my cat fr
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her: