God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
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Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
mom had nothing to worry about
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?