[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
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“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Note to self: always read the final line
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Sing it!
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof