guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
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[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America