I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
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[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer: