[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
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My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
me irl
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble