Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
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Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.