Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
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For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Denise please return my vape pen
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.