I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
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My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire