If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
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So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.