The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
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Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
These are too funny not to post 😂
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m