As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
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Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My whole life was a lie.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
*has no idea what a book even is*
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”