Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
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Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Its true…
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*