The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
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*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*