[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
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“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood