“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
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I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
the composer
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Discuss
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI