doing your own taxes
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I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher