date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
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New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
same energy
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing