Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
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David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Me trying to “trust the process”
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
the prophecies have been fulfilled
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.