My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
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Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice