my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
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The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
📽️movie date🎞️
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.