Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
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You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
lmao
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.