reduce, reuse, recycle
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Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
bury ourselves
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Ok, but like, how married are you?