I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
You Might Also Like
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”