Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
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Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Basketball
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.