I ate everything, including the H.
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My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”